April 29, 30 – May 1, 2011
In the final week of April 2011, I was an 18 year old college freshman who had fallen far from God’s love and grace. To those who knew me four years prior to my college acceptance I was a sweet, kind, caring, happy and loving girl who seemed to have a perpetual smile upon her face. Don’t get me wrong, I still possess those positive characteristics, but once I graduated I realized that my happiness had disintegrated after enduring a high concentration of negative occurrences all within the second semester of my senior year. My smile had been replaced by a convincing imposter and my faith in God disappeared as time passed by. Before college I was involved in a thriving youth group that cultivated my undying faith for the Lord. In 2008 I reached what seemed to be the pinnacle of my spiritual life by finally getting confirmed after a several year-long process of catechism classes and attending World Youth Day in Sydney, Australia. After living those moments I remember feeling so in tune with God and so grateful to be his faithful servant. Though, I never would have expected to turn away from Him three years later.
I remember going through my fall semester of college with a heavy and broken heart that consistently ached and was closed off from the world. There were times when I yearned to go back to the church. I desperately wanted to run back into God’s warm, safe and loving arms, away from the craziness of the world and away from all the things that went wrong in my life…but…I didn’t. I chose to turn away from Him; I didn’t feel worthy of his love and was afraid to admit that I had fallen into darkness. I tried numerous remedies to repair my brokenness. From parties, friends, academic excellence, and “love”—the usual things college freshmen experiment with during their first few months into school to achieve “happiness.” But, none of them worked. Worst part was I knew they wouldn’t fix me. I knew Jesus was the answer to all of my problems. I was just so stubborn and somewhat in denial; I was determined to get myself out of the hole I dug deep into the ground without God’s help.
During the last 3 days of April 2011 I attended a retreat I was well acquainted with, but this time it possessed an unfamiliar name and I showed up without a large youth group. I went to three retreats just like it and even served on the core team doing music and hospitality logistics prior to that weekend. I remember walking into the chapel with hesitation but a small hint of excitement rushed through my body. The sea of stiff kids awkwardly standing around the unlit structure resembling the burning bush seemed somewhat uninviting. Most of the kids had an expression that read, “What am I doing here?” Funny thing is I also wondered the exact same thing. I was desperate to know the ways in which God planned to work within me during those 3 days. The first night I remember feeling jealous of those who went up to receive Jesus during communion. Kind of like a kid who wasn’t able to play in a game that looked so fun and awesome. During the meditation period my favorite Franciscan friar and long-time friend tapped me on the shoulder then asked me if I’d like to go for a walk; walks for us were synonymous with confession and life counseling sessions in a sense. As we walked around the surrounding vicinity I remember feeling reluctant to initiate the conversation. He simply said, “Sooo, what’s up?” After beating around the bush for a minute I ended up pouring the entire contents of my heart out to him. I told him everything that had happened within the past year and how lost and incredibly depressed I felt. After my hour and a half long confession and consulting he gave me absolution and my penance then it was followed by giant bear hug that made me start to cry. He may have not been God himself, but within that warm embrace I finally felt safe and free from all anxieties and pain.
After my confession I spent an hour in front of Jesus in the chapel during one of the breaks. I wrote:
“I feel rejuvenated. Not just physically but spiritually and mentally. I can’t stop smiling. Being around the CFRs is helping as well. They remind me of how much fun you can have by loving and praising Jesus. Thank you for bringing Father Joseph here. I know I should have gone to confession earlier, but he is the only person I feel comfortable telling. I have offended you in some of the worst ways possible. Finally being able to open up and admit all of my faults to you was so liberating. Just like Brother Isaiah Marie, one of the CFRs said, ‘We need to free ourselves, let go of what is keeping our hearts prisoned and open and discover the wonderful treasures inside.’”
At that moment phase one of my heart healing was complete. The next thing in line was mass and communion. In the line for communion I was ready to receive Jesus; I couldn’t contain my excitement. The whole time my heart raced as the line got closer and closer to the priest. Once the person in front of me went up to receive the host I bowed deeply and then looked up to see the priest holding Jesus up in front of me in all his glory. He said, “The Body of Christ” and I responded “Amen” with a giant smile upon my face. I felt so amazed and happy. Finally being able to receive Jesus after going a year without him was so good; it was like finally being fully reunited with my best friend or my gentle, kind and forgiving Father. Sure I spoke to Him through text messages in the form of prayers, confessed my sins to Him through a medium such as a phone that took the form of a priest, and even told him how grateful I was to have him forgive me while He was in the room perched upon the glowing wooden burning bush in all his marvelous beauty, but nothing beat finally making contact with him personally, finally touching Him and allowing me to have Him fully enter my heart by receiving His Body and Blood. Once I returned to Berkeley I wrote:
“Ultimately I’m just glad I was able to attend this retreat. I thank God for blessing me with the opportunity to come and spend a whole weekend with Him. I needed it more than ever. It was a wonderful experience. Different from all the rest; each and every one was different. I just know I’m ready to face the world again. I’m ready to be me again. Ready to be myself and to love God fully and happily. I know things will get harder and will test and attempt to break down my faith, but all I need to do is keep praying.”
Since then, I recommitted my life to Jesus. I continue to fight to survive at UC Berkeley but do so with Jesus by my side. I am in a bible study group leader for an on campus fellowship and continue to attend Pan de Vida retreats. Attending the retreat allowed me to open my heart again. As a young adult I’ve come to realize how important it is to have God in my life. He is totally and completely necessary, just like breathing air; without Jesus I am bound perish. It took me a year away from Him to fully appreciate all that He has done for me. He blessed me with gifts and talents that I can use to glorify his name. As of late, He has been constantly challenging me to be confident with my voice and to use it to tell the world how much I love and cherish Him and how He has worked within my life. No matter what other obstacles are bound to come all that matters to me is that I’m forever graced with his presence and within his warm embrace.
